I sit, perched halfway down the flight of stairs on the north end of the hallway in my high school. I have never sat here before, but sitting here, I have a sense of everything going on in the school around me. Here I am able to breathe it all it. People bustle by with the last drawn out breath of energy that they can muster, the school year is about a week from being finished. complete. done. gone.

It’s a strange feeling, sitting here, knowing that it is probably the last time I will really be spending time in the school. I mean graduation doesn’t really count. Sitting here, like this, this is normal. This seems to be how I have spent my year.

Today I was talking with Brian and Emma, and they were both at the school, due to the fact that they had exams this afternoon (which is what they are presently doing) and I instantly hopped in my car and drove to town. I rarely pass up an opportunity to hangout with my friends, and this time was slightly different, I knew id get the chance to chill out in my high school one last time before graduation. Lame right? Probably.

In two weeks I will be graduating from high school. Class of 2011. It’s a day I have looked forward to since as long as I can remember. Every time I think of an early memory from school, it is accompanied with the thought “Man, I can’t wait to finish school”.  I remember my dad telling me in sixth grade, that when he began sixth grade, the only thought is his mind was “Holy crap, you mean I am only half done with this school thing?” Coincidently, from the moment I was told that, that was my exact thought. And the thought of it not going by fast enough has stuck with me for the last six years of my life.

Truth be told, I am not too sure exactly how I am feeling anymore. I never thought that I would feel anything other than pure joy and ambition to get out of school. If you would have told me, even last year, that I would be feeling unsure and upset about going and not coming back, well, I would not have believed a word coming out of your mouth.

At this point in life, leaving school is something that scares me a little. Possibly a lot. Sharing this thought is a bit of a big step, its weird for me to admit, because I have always been so set on leaving. I suppose this last year of school has changed me. In fact, I have had the best school year of my entire life. There are certain things I will miss the most, The way it smells when you BBQ during a spare, its different, and far more exciting, the sun shining and the wind blowing. The water down at the reservoir is a blue colour (don’t let this fool you, its just a reflection from the sky). I will also admit that I will strangely miss sitting in class, listening to some sort of lecture, and wishing I were outside in the sun. I will miss the comfort and security of knowing exactly where you are in life, and what you are supposed to be doing. Wow, I am such a sap.

I suppose what shakes me the most, is knowing that I don’t have the guaranteed grant that I will be with my friends every day.  As of the last year, my friends have become very important beings in my life, and I generally feel fairly lonely and at a loss of adventure if I am left alone. Which is why I am only now just realizing the fact that whilst I am out and done by the time September comes around, they will be headed back to school, without me. Its not that I am jealous that they are going back to school, its that I am scared to not be there with them. To have to figure things out on my own. I’m scared to have too much time on my hands. And I am scared of boredom. Its not like I am not going to see them at all. I will see them, it will just be less. I presume this is just life.

With all that stated, I am excited to be done with high school. It’s one of those very crucial parts of life, and I have looked forward to it my entire school career, it would be silly to let my bothersome thoughts ruin the experience now. And thus, I’m going forth, finishing high school officially, and accepting where it is that I am in life.

Outside it is grey. The rain hasn’t fallen yet, but weather it wants it or not, the ground waits for the inevitable. Today is a Iron and Wine day. It’s almost summer now, though it doesn’t feel like it. The wind is cold and the sky is not its expected summer blue.

Surrounded by books, the unperturbed sounds of Iron And Wine slip out of my computers speakers. All I am missing is my tea, and a few of my thoughts. My head seems to be all over the place lately, not really in a bad way, just in a way. My focus is blurry and my attention span short.

I have begun to notice the beauty of the place in which I live, and the people of which I share it with. For now, I feel right at home. There are certain things about living in the Canadian prairies that steal my heart.

·      Walks with Brian and Alice (My Llama)

·      7:30 AM drives to work

·      The omniscient clouds that roll in prior to rain

·      The exploring adventure afternoons we share with friends

·      Lugging my camera around everywhere to get “That Shot”

·      Evenings spent drinking tea

·      The way large fields of grass roll like waves in the wind

·      The tiny flowers that peer through the grass trying to touch the sun

·      The way it feels to walk through mud without shoes

·      Spending the day wearing favorite clothes. (cut-off shorts, old T-shirt, cowboy hat and no shoes.

·      Drinking Sun Tea

·      The way the sun shines off of the bright green leaves in the early hours of the morning, and the late hours of the day.

I feel Content.

The sun sat low in the sky this evening as I tromped through the grass with my dogs Moe and Zephyr. Earlier they had seemed very excited at the idea of walking. Zephyr made this obvious by bouncing (yes literally bouncing) around me in tight little circles, as Moe showed excitement in his own way, by actually making an effort to keep up (a big deal for him). However by the time we got out of the yard and into the field, they were done.

Promptly, they both lay down in the grass, and put their heads down, refusing to move. Eventually I was able to persuade them to continue on, though they continued to stop and lie down about every 20 feet. After about ten minutes of this start and stop routine, I gave up and lay down in the grass with them.

The sound of frogs in a nearby pond (or rather large puddle) was nearly deafening, and the air that moved with a slight breeze was chilling, though the ground was warm to the touch. Its moist dirt and vibrant green grass retaining the warmth it had acquired throughout the day.

Later, steam rises off of our mugs as we sit and test tea. My boyfriend Brian is slightly inexperienced when it comes to drinking tea, so naturally we have two different kinds. Ginger Fresh, and French Peppermint. The French Peppermint is favored. The scents mingle in the air as regular family chaos takes place in my household. Someone eats a bagel that wasn’t theirs, a phone gets dropped, jokes get made, and laughter is consistent.

I could easily say that one of the most wonderful things I have done in a long while, was to sit at a table with my mom, and Brian and Kazan, and drink tea whilst wearing my Batman cape and mask. It seemed none of them were able to take me seriously, which I still cannot understand. Batman is a serious guy who saves people. I mean, this costume is a treasure. It previously belonged to my brother when he was about 6, however enough wear and tear and the costume basically disintegrated, leaving only the mask and the cape, which I was under the assumption were gone….until…….I was cleaning out the closet and came across the duo of shiny black costume pieces. I will admit I let out a squeal and instantly put it on. I am seriously considering carrying it everywhere with me. It’s a real shame I don’t have a Wonder Woman costume.

There has been a lot going on in my mind the last month or so. Upon departing for Mexico I was excited but unsure to leave, I wasn’t sure what God was going to show me this year, but I knew it was important. During the first week of being away, I was still unsure as to what this was, but it didn’t take long.

            This year, I was shown the importance of family, the importance of having the love of those who raised you, and the importance of keeping the bond between family members tight. This trip brought Kazan and I alot closer. We came to the point where we would talk to each other like best friends, sharing secrets, giggling on the roof, and routinely walking to the Oxxo to retrieve entirely nutritious snack food that likely contained a very low percentage of sugar.

            This could possibly be the most exciting thing that has happened to me in the last several months. I mean, in retrospect, we have always been close, but to have that bond when you are both teenagers is an entirely different thing. For me, to be able to sit, and discuss everything with my brother, sometimes meaningless, and sometimes deep, is an incredible blessing.

            Obviously first I thank God for this, because without him, none of this would happen. But secondly I thank my parents. They raised us, in such a way that miraculously, we do not hate each other. Really what I mean is that they raised us in love, to love.  They didn’t let distance between us even become an option. We were forced to get along. And now, I thank them for that, because the bond we have presently, in our older age, is stronger than it ever has been between us.

I honestly can only hope to do as good a job raising my kids as my parents did with my brother and I. I am aware of how cheesy that sounds, that is because it is, however it is incredibly true. Obviously parenting will not be an issue for me for quite some time. But still, when the time comes, I can only hope to raise children like my parents did, and not screw them up for life.

Leaving Mexico, especially Ensenada, was incredibly hard on me this year. I tried not to show it, however my mother noticed, as mothers should. I spent a lot of time that day staring at the ocean, and just praying. Praying for my city, and my friends, and my future. Every other year that I have left Mexico, it has been sad, cause I have had to say farewell to friends, but never have I left not knowing when I was coming back. Every year there was that security, “Oh I will be back in summer” and then “No worries, I will be back next spring” It was routine. I would always be back. I would be back Every year, two times a year. But now things are different, and that day, as I stared out from the roof onto the city, I cried. In the last six years, I have spent a total of Ten months and two weeks In Mexico. That is 1.5 months short of being gone from home for a year. Not all at once obviously, but you know what I mean.  I don’t know when I will be going back, I know it will not likely be soon, but there is a season for everything, and thus every season must end, beginning another. I trust my next adventure in life will be eye opening, and with that said, from every adventure you must move on, or the adventure dies, and just becomes routine.

Maybe my inspiration comes at night. Maybe I cant write at all. It could just be 1000 thoughts strewn across paper, or in this case, a screen. Maybe my brain just stays quiet, and as soon as my fingers hit the keyboard, they do the talking.  In writing a piece, 50 percent of my time is taken up by proofreading, 20 percent is taken by mindless daydreaming (which is in fact not mindless at all, because it is the use of your imagination) another 20 percent of my time is taken by procrastination, and the action of willing myself to actually type, and finally, only the last 10 percent of my time is taken actually writing. Of course, I have not actually tested the accuracy of the amount of time each of these steps take, but each percentage it is an educated guess.

At the moment there is a lot on my mind. Kind of like a whirlwind of thoughts, or some sort of wind anyways, a Zephyr, Gale, Twister, Tornado, Light breeze.. no wait, no light breezes. It is a strong wind, a wind that rips through and causes damage to thought patterns, a wind that causes worry and unease. Yet at the end of the wind, there is always the calm. The wind has strewn thoughts to all the tiny empty places in my brain (yes I believe there are lots of those) and I cant seem to gather them all in one place. I cant write specifically about them, because they are not straight enough to share.

I think I am getting fairly good at writing about nothing.

 I believe it is time to reflect a little. Lets talk spring break. It was just this last week, and went by super fast, with the force of a 60k wind.  It actually wasn’t windy at all, until Friday.

May I just mention that I have the best friends in the world? Because its true. I do. My spring break was spent with three of the most incredible friends anyone could ask for. Yes, that would be you, Emma, Dusty and Brian. You are all just so amazing, and I miss you all so much. Sob. Sob. I will be back soon though. Please take care of each other while I am gone. Okay enough of this sappy-ness. Anyways lets re-cap, shall we?

Lets start a little bit before spring break.

Thursday, March 24^th - Sometime in the evening we all (Emma, Dusty, Matt, Tove, Brian and I) headed to Brians, drank a lot of coke, used my toes to reach things of the table, consumed far far too many sour patch kids And watched the Into The Wild. Directly after I spent the night at Emmas, which as you can imagine, involved a lot of talking and blanket hogging, and very little sleeping.

Friday Afternoon, March 25^th –Just so happened to attend a couple of classes in the morning, which was promptly followed by a mid afternoon movie at Brains with the gang, which as usual, was a blast. Again, drank to much coke, threw smarties at eachother, ate too many salt and vinegar chips, and pet the replacement cat. Movie ended and we all went our separate ways. However we had more planned for the day….

Friday Night, March 25^th – At nine we all gathered together and headed out to Nigels place, because he had an empty house, lots of couch space, and a TV.  The evening consisted of watching the boys try to show eachother up on the workout equipment, and giggling as us girls used it like playground equipment. We watched a movie, and everyone departed. Except for Kazan and I. We spent the night. I was up till an unreasonable hour… unreasonable is the wrong word. It was very reasonable.

Saturday Morning, March 26^th – Woke up sometime well after Nigel, and joined him in the kitchen to make breakfast muffins, (yes you are thinking right, that would be muffins with bacon and cheese in them, yum!) they were scrumptious. I was suddenly informed Kazan had a birthday party to attend, and thus, we left Nigel 16 muffins to eat, and we took off.

Saturday Afternoon, March 26^th – Bye the time the afternoon rolled around I was finally reaching the point of boredom. I was quickly saved by a text from dusty asking if I wanted to hangout. We grabbed some sleds and took a spontaneous trip to lake adam,  to check and see if there was still snow on the sledding hill. There was, sort of. It was actually ice, which makes for a very speedy uncontrollable trip down the hill on a thin piece of plastic. Sounds safe, yes? Not so much. Try walking up a hill of sheer ice. It didn’t take us long to realize that this was not actually that fun, and thus, we sat on the deck in the sun, and chatted it up instead. Bonding time. All good friends need it.

Saturday Evening, March 26^th – Dustin had to be in town around dinner, so he gave me a ride home, and departed. I went to my room, and felt lonely, it had become evident to me that I had adapted to being around my friends all the time, life without them was rather dull. However the feeling did not last long, due to the fact that several moments later, Nigel invited himself over for dinner and the evening, Which consisted of earth hour. So our whole family sat in the dark for an hour and reminisced about the good old days. And then, the day was over.

Sunday, March 27^th – Party day at Emmas!! Headed to Emmas in the afternoon and we took the dogs on a walk into town. Which could have been fun, had they been leash trained. We walked to Dustins workplace, and hung out there, while he supervised dumb and dumber as they fixed his truck, which was, as you can imagine, rather entertaining. Walk ended and we went back to Emmas house and made food. Shortly thereafter Dustin, Jason and Brian Showed up, the six of us played some Mario Kart on the wii (I am terrible at this. Just ask anyone. I am pretty sure Brian ended up doing most of it)  which was so incredibly fun. However we soon tired of it, and watched the movie The Guardian Instead. (long movie, but worth your time I believe) Eventually the evening ended, the boys left, and I spent the night at Emmas, again. Therefore, no sleep. Again.

Monday, March 28^th – Spent the day at home “packing” which did not consist of much packing. When I think back, this was not a “Packing” day. It was an “Angry Birds” day. Yes, only slightly addicted. However, I did manage to get out a suitcase. Hooray! Suffering withdrawl from my friends caused me to have very little motivation to pack, or do anything except play video games for that matter. Until….

 Monday Evening, March 28^th – At about 8:30 I got a text from dusty, saying that they were BBQing at Brians. Without him, because he was at work (done at 9) Feeling left out, I hopped in my car and drove to town, and routinely, stopped at the grocery store for the last ten minutes of Brains shift. To my surprise (and disappointment) he informed me he would not be able to come BBQing at his moms, because his dad was on his way from the farm to pick him up. And thus, we had a Party at Brians, without Brian. Sad Day. Although I must say, its pretty impressive to be able to host a party without even being there.

Tuesday, March 29^th – My cousins came out from Brandon to visit! We all went to Emmas, went to town, the bank, the library, the sawmill, and spent at least half an hour in the grocery store. Upon returning home we watched some movies, and I consumed coconut cream pie at midnight. Yum. And thus, I spent another night at Emmas house, I swear I practically live there.

Wednesday Morning/Afternoon, March 30^th – Emma and I spent the day with Laura working the Camp Koinonia Booth at the Brandon Winter fair. 11-7 is a long day, But it was definitely entertaining.  Our findings consisted of a massive rooster, sleepy pigs, gargantuan horses, and quiznos subs.

Wednesday Night, March 30^th – The gang came over to my house, to watch The Prestige, Which was as amazing as it always is. The Prestige was followed by some high quality Nitro Circus videos. What a good nap that was. At the end of the evening Dusty and Brian went to Dustys place, and Kazan, Emma and I went to sleep. No we didn’t. Emma and I played Angry Birds and texted until our friends fell asleep.

Thursday, March 31^st – Emma and I woke up to find Dustys truck in the driveway, Brian had brought it over and was hanging out in the shoploft with Kazan. Dusty, being all responsible and such, was at work for a few hours in the morning. We did the chores, Dusty Arrived at my house, and we all went to Emmas. At Emmas we took the dogs for a walk, and waited for the rest of the guys to get there. Once they arrived we hopped in vehicles and headed to Brandon.

Thursday Afternoon/Night, March 31^st – we spent a sufficient amount of time in the mall, Brian took 30 seconds (literally) to find a shirt and buy it. We ate poutine, and walked around. Went to a matinee show of Diary of a wimpy kid (which was pretty fantastic if I do say so myself) and then headed to value village. Shortly after we headed to the pool, and spent three hours goofing off in the pool, which was a large amount of insanely ridiculous fun. After that we headed back to the theater to watch Rango, and then headed home. Another amazing day? Check,

Friday, April 1^st – This was my last day at home. And I worked at 4. Headed into town a bit early, went to the bank, and the grocery store, then headed out to Emmas place and went for a walk with her and no dogs. Ahahah work was like usual, but I had lots of visitors, due to it being my last day home. Dusty stopped by for a few minutes to give me a hug, Brian came and stayed the whole shift, and the may girls came by for a bit to spent some time with me. It was an Incredible Evening. Incredible. And thus ends my spring break.

I love you all so much.

    The room is filled with the light aroma of incense, its smoke rising and curling, creating a fragrance that masquerades as warmth. Its been a while since I have written, sitting down, I am a little curious, and possibly nervous to find out what is going to escape my brain.

    Lately, I have been concerned about my art. The artistic side of me (which seems to be the majority of my personality) has slipped into hibernation, and is wrestling with my mind, not wanting to wake up….just five more minutes… But I have an idea. And, I think, now, I may be wrong here, but I think it is a pretty good one. Its an idea that may just be good enough to bring my creativity back, its a glimmer of talent, stuck somewhere in the back of my head, but it may be enough to wake up the artist that I know lives somewhere in my mind. Given the proper resources, I am hoping to complete this project this week, thus, it will be like an alarm clock for my artistic abilities. Wake up!

    Upon deciding to write, I pulled my hair up, and out of my face. My hair, in all of its body and curls merely sits on top of my head, all piled up, loosely resembling some sort of strange and awkward mop. Its loose strands refusing to stay in place, and insisting they stand between my mind and the keyboard that is used to display my thoughts, which decorate the vacant white space with my words. My flowing purple pants are likely the most comfortable thing I have worn in the last week, their extra thin material is dark and nearly transparent is some lights. I believe they come from India, therefore qualifying them as more worldly than I. Sigh.

    Recently, I have felt slightly out of place. Living in a small town has its highs and lows, its ups and downs. And for the most part, lately its been pretty down. There is nothing wrong with the town in which I live, but eventually you reach a point where you simply run out of adventure. I suppose everyone has their routine. Everyone has things they feel comfortable doing. The problem is, everyone that happens to be even remotely close to my age seem to do the same things on weekends. The only thing I feel like doing is breaking the mold, which, let me assure you, is easier said than done. And even if I were to break the mold, and go on various exhilarating, astonishing adventures, there would be no one to go with, due to the fact that everyone else is following their weekend routine, the activities they are comfortable with. Even if I were to come across another person who was willing to come with me, therefore destroying their plans for routine weekends like the many they’ve previously had, Jobs, responsibilities, and of course the fact that I am still stuck in high school makes searching for adventure an easier thing to just sit and wish about than actually go do. Sigh. Adventure is out there. Maybe its hibernating, Likewise to the artist. Or perhaps it has just decided to take a vacation from small town life, it very well could have just needed a break, something bigger, more bustling and exciting. Someplace where people are all different, art is colourful and everyone is worldly and aware of their surroundings.

    The incense has nearly reached its end, which is marvellous timing as I have run out of thoughts for the evening. I have drawn a blank. But in my defence at least I had a valid topic to share this evening, at least I can write again, maybe the artist is slowly regaining consciousness. It is similar to that state, the period of time about five minutes after you wake from a nights sleep, where you are really only half awake. That’s how the artistic part of my head is feeling. Full of potential, just, tired, and in need of a wake up call. 

    Outside my window, snowflakes descend towards the ground. Yet, they are not falling, their motion is slow, and calm, like a walk on a cool summers evening. Today is just one of those days, one of those days where packing up and running away seems like a great idea. As I earlier discussed with a friend, it is just time to start a new adventure. Unfortunately, “grown up” things such as jobs, responsibilities, and money, happen to exist, and they are holding us back.

    All things could be thrown in a car, we would go to the beach. It would be a long drive, but we would get there. And on the beach, you would need nothing. No money, no job, just the people you love.  The sun would beat down on the sand, creating a piece of earth so hot that you would need to run across it.

    But there would be shelter. What good is an adventure without a fort? The most elaborate fort would be built of cardboard boxes. Inside you would be protected from the sun.

    In the evening we would lay on the sand, staring at the night sky above us. The stars would shine brightly, strewn in an array of lights above us. Like a Godzilla-sized Light-Bright.

    Alas here we are, quite possibly the farthest we can possibly get away from a functioning beach with bright sun and hot sand. And dont get me wrong, it is beautiful here as the snowflakes drift from the sky, its just time to see what else is out there.